


I’ll Fall Fall Fall (but i’ll always be trapped)

by scooter3scooter



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Five Stages of Grief, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Peter Parker, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Peter Parker Angst, Peter Parker Feels, Peter Parker Has Issues, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker Whump, Peter Parker has PTSD, Peter Parker is a Mess, References to Depression, Sad, Sad Ending, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Survivor Guilt, Teen Peter Parker, no happiness, no happy ending, vent fic, venting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:42:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26773099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scooter3scooter/pseuds/scooter3scooter
Summary: I was stupid enough to think I was moving on. I thought that maybe because I could laugh again, that because my smile was finally starting to reach my eyes again, that maybe I was moving on. And I actually thought that was okay. I wasn’t spending my nights sleeping on a tear stained pillow or clutching a hard picture frame anymore. And I thought that was okay.“I’m fine,” I’ll whisper until my last breath.—Peter mourns Uncle Ben
Relationships: Ben Parker & Peter Parker
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	I’ll Fall Fall Fall (but i’ll always be trapped)

**Author's Note:**

> Tw the whole thing is about death and mourning. This is a very sad fic

It’s not even his birthday yet. And yet, I can’t help but fall apart. I watch every single piece of me I thought I had put back together, fall fall fall until they are shattering on the ground. Just a million fractures surrounding me, too small to ever put back together but too many to be able to step around. I’m just surrounded by my own broken pieces and I can’t walk forward, or even backward, without cutting my feet open. I’m just trapped in the moment, in this god awful moment  _ and it’ll never end. _

I was stupid enough to think I was moving on. I thought that maybe because I could laugh again, that because my smile was finally starting to reach my eyes again, that maybe I was moving on.  _ And I actually thought that was okay.  _ I wasn’t spending my nights sleeping on a tear stained pillow or clutching a hard picture frame anymore.  _ And I thought that was okay.  _

“I’m fine,” I’ll whisper until my last breath.

He didn’t like when I lied, he was the only one who could see behind the walls I built so tall.  _ I used to think maybe… maybe I could let him see willingly. That maybe it would be okay to let someone in, but I know better now. He was the only one that loved me and so there’s no way anyone else would be able to come in. Could anyone ever love me like that again? I know better now, it’s better I stay in my self made prison and everyone else can be happy around me.  _

It’s a win win, I suppose. The monster is trapped and everyone else gets to thrive in their ignorance, unknowing of the beast hiding right next to them. 

“It’s okay,” I’ll mumble again and again even if no one believes me.

He would have wanted me to move on. I know that for sure. “ _ But I don’t know how… _ ” I whisper into the nothingness. He wouldn’t have wanted me to be alone, but I can only ever be alone. He was the only one who truly loved me, loved me for me. Other people, Aunt May, Mr. Stark, Ned, they try but I’m just impossible to love.  _ Somehow, he knew how to do the impossible.  _

It’s sickly ironic that his birthday is in fall. Fall, and he fell. I fell. We all came tumbling down like the dead leaves surrounding out.  _ Fall is when everything dies in the most beautiful ways. Except his death wasn’t beautiful. It was painful and cruel and took too long for mercy and it never should have been like that.  _

He was summer. He was scalding coffee and nights around the campfire. He was warmth and light,  _ my last light,  _ he was the sun. He was the star in the darkness, he was the feeling of home. 

He was winter. He was feeling cozy and warm when everything around you is bitter cold. He was warm food and warmer drinks and he was piles of fuzzy blankets and chunky knit vests. 

He was spring. He was renewed. Or at least, that’s what he always said, that he would be renewed. He was flowers after the cold and bitterness, he was roses. He was sweet fragrances and the gentle breeze. 

_ But he was never fall. _

“I’m alright!” I’ll scream until my lungs are burning as much as his coffee did. It’s not like I expect anyone to believe me. He used to see right through me with his icy blue eyes. He used to be able to look through me like I was glass,  _ glass waiting to shatter _ , and he could say a million things, a million reassurances, with just once glance. When he looked at you, it was like you were the only person in the multiverse.  _ No one else has ever looked at me like that. _

It’s not even his birthday yet, it is in fourteen hours and fifty four minutes and yet I’m sitting here crying like the pathetic little monster I am. It’s not even gonna be the anniversary of his death and I can’t even keep my tears at bay. It’s not even the day yet and I’m already falling apart.  _ Tomorrow… I’ll just be dust.  _

But no one can know, I can’t let them see through me. I’m supposed to be better, I’m supposed to be moved on. We are supposed to celebrate him not mourn him.  _ But I’ve never even been to his grave… I didn’t even go on his funeral day. I couldn’t do it, I was too weak. I didn’t go and I didn’t go and now… I don’t deserve to face him. Would he still love me? Even after how messed up I turned out? _

“I’m fine,” I murmur even though no one's listening. 

No one’s here, no one is ever here. I can’t ask that of them and I don’t deserve them to be here. I deserve to be alone, to be crippled by loneliness. I deserve pain.  _ It is my fault after all.  _ There’s other people actually dealing with fresh death, other people who actually lost people who were more significant in their lives.  _ He was never my dad, after all. And I was never lucky enough to be his son.  _

Maybe I will visit his grave tomorrow, just so I can apologize. Apologize for never coming, for not being the person I know he wanted me to be, for not moving on,  _ for being the cause of his end.  _ He was never one to hold grudges, he would want to see me.  _ I just don’t know if I can handle seeing him…  _

_ But it doesn’t matter, does it? Because it’s not his birthday. I’m just being stupid and weak and mourning when I shouldn’t because I guess I never really moved on. It just hits me again and again and again so hard it’s like a bullet… like the bullet that got him.  _

**Author's Note:**

> Well I needed to vent and distract myself from crying so here we are. Thank you for reading


End file.
